Memoirs and Recollection of a Fractured Heart - Sovernus Nova

[Lord Iezkon]

Entry 18# of Horuset Chronicles
The Path Forward

“Self-control ceases to be when conviction is absent.”
An age-old wisdom purported to be spoken by another ancestor of mine, Ozarain Nova “The Wise”. An Arkanian of exceptional fortitude and wisdom, whose depth in stoic philosophy and immeasurable discipline commanded respect and reverence from both his allies and enemies alike, a feat that only the exceptional figures in history could ever do. House Nova had many iterations of rises and falls, yet most historians would debate that the golden age of its prosperity was orchestrated by none other than the venerable ancestral patriarch himself.

For in his unorthodox wisdom, the organization restructured in ways that were considered detrimental by those who initially doubted him. What was once centralized in a pyramid structure was utterly deconstructed into a decentralized format, as positions of hereditary ranks and straightforward chain of command was converted to one of anarchic state. It allowed those of merits and ingenuity to rise according to their skills, and those who sat comfortably in their velvet cushions would find themselves equal to the challenge or found wanting.

Inviting chaos into the order naturally caused dissent to those who believed themselves above reproach, yet his stoicism warded his vision with an iron fist and his determination remained unshaken despite the many intrigues and conspiracies that attempted to remove him as patriarch. And over the years, those who doubted him found themselves sharing the same vision, for the loose structure allowed seamless collaboration that allowed ideas to flourish unhindered by bureaucratic tapes—where passion and inspiration dictated their results, and not the approval of a superior who has little to no idea of its merits.

His conviction to remain true to his path and vision, knowing that he would have created countless enemies even from within his own organization remains a topic of admiration and adulation by scholars and historians for centuries to come.

Spoiler: Equality is a lie

The virtue of a Sith is to be challenged in each cycle.

No sooner than when I ascended, were the others compelled to subject their superiority upon me. Yet it was evident that it did not arise from prejudice or discrimination, it was a sensation I’ve felt numerous times in the past.

Their attempts lingered in fear and uncertainty. Converted into pre-emptive strikes—to instill a subconscious thought of inferiority within me. An opportune moment whilst I was the newest addition to the ranks of apprentices. A time when they are still able to deny me. For when one day I ascend to greater heights, that sense of inferiority is meant to continuously keep me in line.

I would not fault their strategy. As rudimentary as it seems, it was a tactic that has been employed in countless variations across the galaxy and throughout time itself. Had I been plagued with insecurity and doubt, it would naturally have been the most optimal strategy.

Within inconsequential moments of dining within the Mess Hall, Apprentice Cerberus Black intruded on my personal space abruptly. He slammed against the table in front of me as though to capture my attention as it echoed out throughout the cantina. Several acolytes were silenced within that moment, observing what would unfold between us. He began to detail that I had ascended to the same rank as apprenticeship as he is, and immediately challenged the notion on whether or not I believed I was in some shape or form equal to him, threatening me if I ever thought of being able to contend with him. It was clear within that moment it was an attempt to assert his will upon me, or to remind me of my ‘place’ of unspoken ranking within his mind.

Truthfully, I felt disappointed.

Disappointed that there was even a need to assert superiority in such a fashion. It compelled me to think further whether this was truly an attempt, or whether he was gauging a reaction to unveil a psychological profiling of my mind. Perhaps he desired to know whether I would be one to fold or push back when forced upon in such a situation.

In the depths of my apathy, I spoke about the nature of equality and its delusions. That even within the same rank or category, there will inevitably be a gradient of power. That is simply the nature of reality, and by virtue it is through this that others have risen and fallen. For when equality triumphs, stagnation follows. I ended the remark by stating that we will -never- be equals, and striving for it only unveils inadequacies to those who believe in it.

As a result, I countered his threat that he should be wary on who he threatens, as while I may never be his equal in terms of consolidated power…

He will -never- be my equal in sheer mental brilliance.

He gave an unexpected grim smile that lingered in pride and recognition. A sudden hard pat on my back accidentally made me spill my kaffa…. I needed that kaffa.
Without spending another moment, he merely remarked that I should see him soon. As he clasped his mask on and exited the room without uttering another word, carrying himself with the same strong and hardened exterior his presence always exuded.

Whatever that entails I could only venture a guess. Yet this sudden shift forced me to recalculate his intentions and personality—Perhaps I have misjudged him.

But I had more pressing matters.

And so I bought another kaffa.

Spoiler: A Test of Blades

It became clear to me that Apprentice Cerberus Black’s approach was merely the beginning of many others that sought to meet me. And whether they had divisive intentions or amicable ones, it matters not in the grand scheme of things. As inevitable as death is, so too are these confrontations.

Apprentice Vaenra Horuset is an individual that consistently bares teeth against newly aspirants. Even during the acolyte days, she had a penchant for involving herself in the matters of those lesser to her. Something that often brought the ire of her master Lord Trakaton Kalkoran and her peers who saw the futility in engaging much thought and effort in acolytes.

Personally, I share her thoughts on the significance in noting aspirants. But perhaps that is the Nova within me, knowing that even those below you have the potential in usurping your station if one becomes too careless. Politics has a way of allowing ascensions and downfalls to be as fleeting as the wind.

Yet I would not involve myself deeply in their own matters to the extent that the Sith Pureblood does, and it does not surprise me why several of her peers view her as a mockery. Whilst the three of the Kalkoran apprentices often demeans each other, it seems she is a target that most would look down upon. Apprentice Zhephra Aeros often lauded that no one takes her seriously and has spoken in great lengths of her stupidity in trying to outmatch her verbally and punishments from their Master, and Apprentice Black has commented that she focuses on the wrong things at the wrong time. Apprentice Soyut Vipion once called her an imbecile in front of acolytes, and it became a reverberating moment that the other present apprentices did not refute that. Contrastingly they made minor comments agreeing to it.

A toothless dragon that inspires more ridicule than fear.

Yet I reserve judgement in all I meet, there is always something good to be found in bad individuals and vice versa. To be too drawn into blind hatred or dismissal would be to deprive us in truly understanding the mindset of your adversaries. Afterall it is easier to dismiss someone you hate, than to see whether there is a greater intrigue behind it all. Something House Nova is all too familiar with. But I digress.

The reason I brought forth her name is due to a sudden holocall made in the public Horuset frequency, where she inquired whether I was available to meet with her in the training room. I’ve noted she’s been vying to set a regimental sparring schedule that is often met with criticism by her peers who wanted something in exchange or simply asked her what was the point of it all. Despite all the ridicule in the world, her focus in constant training is something to be admired. I particularly did not mind sparring, it would allow me to gauge deeper into their combat methods and throughout all these exchanges, I would have gained far more than they can possibly earned.

Our confrontation was one that lingered in tactical uniformity. She employed Jar’kai to a reasonable level, but it was clear she was at its infancy when she contradicted a number of vectors. I’ve exploited these vectors which caused her to awkwardly shift back and forth to more familiar styles. It was a decisive moment where I was able to grasp her wrist, and it was clear that her thoughts were too driven into thinking about the movements of her blades that she dedicated her next motion in her blade work, forgetting that she utterly neglected that I had her wrist firmly within my grasp.

It would have been a firm and resounding strike. Yet in her panic she employed that one ability that continues to elude me. Force Speed. Even when a mistake was made, she completely negated a vulnerability she forgot to defend. And within the next moment in her rage she weighted in the pure difference in power. 

I was defeated, as expected of a newly ascended apprentice against a seasoned one. Yet I knew within that moment she was vulnerable, and she knew it too. And now she understands how swift I am to exploit any single opening. Unwilling to explore further on what had occurred she huffed and walked cursorily out of the chamber.

But this experience taught me I still had much to learn.

Spoiler: A Round of Tea

Apprentice Zhephra Aeros, a Sith Pureblood wanted to offer a tour to the Kalkoran Estate, something she believed her Master would have been pleased in knowing I am adequately transitioned into the powerbase. Throughout most of my time in the early days, I was a target of prejudice and scrutiny due to my alien heritage, and often the most vocal of proponents was from the tongue of Aeros.

Truth be told, my presence within the acolyte generation was highly controversial and at one point became a heated topic that permeated the entirety of the powerbase. Often aliens are able to survive and thrive by simply being utterly subservient behind the shadows of Purebloods who stood at the top. Being brazen in attempting to reach the greatest of heights is enough to flood those believing they had a chance down to the pits of hell.

Yet I ruthlessly carved my path through to be acknowledged by those who once doubted me, and by the end was recognized as the most dominant acolyte even with the presence of noteworthy Purebloods within my generation. Perhaps what cemented the controversy further was when it was decided that a number of Sith Pureblood was placed under my wing and there was an unspoken image that I belonged amongst their kind, as there was an unwillingness to allow my presence to side with the aliens. 

All of this I attribute to Lord Trakaton’s advice, Lord Sanguinis’s wisdom and Lord Saud’s insights.
“Those who push beyond the boundaries of their station will live to surpass it.”

The reason I’ve spoken in length in regards to the tribulations I’ve overcome was due to Apprentice Zhephra’s change in disposition. She shared her Master’s thoughts in regards to me, and saw that I would be able to contribute to the Kalkoran powerbase in the capacity that her fellow peers, Apprentice Vaenra and Apprentice Cerberus lacked.

Her acknowledgement to someone she once criticized due to their alien heritage allowed me to understand a facet of her principles, and perhaps would dissuade others from believing she is purely an overzealous fanatic with an utter disregard to others by race alone. I would hate to think she believes my Master is unworthy due to his race.

Whilst we were touring, we came upon Neophyte Aregra, who as always seems equally eloquent and graceful in her exterior. She seemed gladdened to find me within the trappings of an apprentice, signifying that I had ascended. She halted our tour momentarily and spoke of how she found it a relief that I had finally blossomed into the Sith she always knew I had the potential to become. Believing that I would be able to contribute to the powerbase well within the future.

She was one of the few Sith that I truly did not want to disappoint. She believed in me from the start. It was as though she was gifted with insight that others did not readily possess, something that was shared with Lord Saud and often compels me to understand her psychology and mindset further. I sought to acquire that level of insight myself, something that would reign over both the Empire’s allies and enemies.

After a brief conversation with Neophyte Aregra and solidifying my intent to support the powerbase to the best of my capacity, she gave a graceful nod before offering that I would have some tea with her sometime. A request that I accepted readily before we parted ways. Not knowing this would become a minor tradition between Aregra and I.

Furthermore, Apprentice Zhephra eventually finished the tour and later would invite for tea at the Aeros Estate. It became a resounding event where we were able to discuss about several subjects such as traditionalism, chaos & order and the current state of the powerbase. And gradually I was able to view her mindset more and more, unveiling parts of her personality that was rare for the public to see. Both of us agreed that the powerbase needed more unity, in the prospect of the coming wars, but moreso that at its current state the Kalkoran powerbase was divided and often on the field—the apprentices would bicker endlessly in deciding on plans of action. Something that needed to be resolved.

As I gaze outwards towards the stains of rain across the Aeros Estate’s window, I could not help but wonder about the state of the Sith Order.

Whether the untended taint is a product of our ignorance or our failures.

Spoiler: The Divide

My mind plagues me endlessly with the flashing memories of that confrontation with Lord Sanguinis.

I never felt more alive when I felt my mind had clicked into alignment. It was a sensation that continues to elude me, but inherently I craved in desperation. The Dark Side engulfed me into its embrace and within that ephemeral moment, something within me awakened. Yet I fear what occurred had deepened Sovereigns tendrils closer into the core of my being. Within that small window, I knew what I felt. But I did not want to admit it.

I temporarily merged with Sovereign.

Neither of us had control, but we were in control. As paradoxical as it may seem. Within that divided moment, I was neither him nor myself. I was…
I simply was.

I felt inevitable. I felt omnipotent. I felt existence.

That few seconds felt like an eternity passing through my soul.

And it beckoned faded memories of that time in Korriban. Where I was forced to extinguish the life of my loved one…Sophia…The Dark Side amplified my being into a ceaseless existence of catatonic wrath, I felt a dark collision of souls where my ruthlessness eclipsed any rationality of a broken body. The entirety of my existence sought the utter evisceration of Herexil Tzizias, the alpha of the generation and the one who orchestrated the scheme that forced Sophia and I to kill each other…

It mattered not what power he possessed, who’s protection he hid behind, nor the weighted injuries of my body.

Beyond the merged power I wielded, everything was rendered -utterly- meaningless. All was equally subservient to my design only to be crushed underneath the weight of its pressure.

That sensation was the longest I’ve felt throughout my entire life, it was not merely temporary but was a constant state of being. And with that his death was…inevitable.

Endless questions began draining my mind…Was that who I truly am? Was I broken beyond recognition that I could not recognize myself anymore?

What if I become something that I will regret one day?

Something that could no longer be loved by Valkara, nor deserve the warmth that she radiantly beckons. How am I supposed to explain to her about all of this? I simply cannot bring her into this.

She is my one constant, in an ever changing and discordant life. With all the darkness that envelops me, she is that one candle that could defy the darkness…But also defines it.

She will serve as a catalyst to bring me closer to myself once more.

No-- No…I need to remove such thoughts away from my mind.

I need to shield her away from this darkness. She will never know of this. Of how I feel. Of how I…crave this darkness.

What if in that state of utter mercilessness, I began to neglect her wellbeing—or even see her as an obstacle to eliminate.

I needed her to remind me. That deep down, I still hold love and compassion. That throughout all this I still have her standing beside me. I needed to believe--

That my heart isn’t fractured.

There lies redemption within me… But…

What is redemption compared to true undiluted power?
…
I felt fear.

I could not understand who I was anymore. These constant struggles against Sovereign only blurred the lines in-between.

This pain and agony within me…It felt like a knife gutted through my stomach, twisting endlessly in a way that would invite every inch of pain from the serrated steel.

I am afraid.

Afraid of who I was becoming.

Of -what- I am becoming.

…But worst of all

Lord Sanguinis knows.

...And I doubt he will simply let things be.