"Tave iyutrekyr iv Zia"

[Caffeline]

An old-style flimsi book wrapped in leather and secured with an old but serviceable genetic lock. Kaasian make, but the writing inside seems nonsensical; at least until a key is discovered on the inside cover.

Kriff kriff KRIFF kriff kriff kriff!

I cried in front of Ri Satwas. As if I couldn't humiliate myself anymore after getting the kriffing blade stuck in the tree. Multiple times. Why am I so bad at swordplay!? Training dummies, trees...it's a wonder I haven't stabbed someone by accident. Or myself. Ugh. How I envy those who can just pick up a blade and master it without any seeming effort! I bet Stukali wouldn't have been so useless. She'd probably take to jar'kai like a vine cat to climbing..

Ri Satwas didn't even scold me for the tears. They just told me tears needed a reason and handed the blade back.

...thinking back, that's almost worse...

I haven't cried in front of anyone since I was thirteen and got struck across the face by one of the Rhûine boys for daring to point out the obvious flaws in his dejarik playing. He asked my thoughts, then slapped me for them. His rings only just missed my eye and still left marks on my face for a month. And he wondered why I left him for dead in the Korribani tomb as the k'lor slugs overwhelmed him.

Ugh. It would be so, so helpful to just get these stupid, sordid thoughts out of my brain and drown them in the river. Even worse when they linger in dreams. They're not just involving one person either. Please let these pass soon.. I don't think I could stand the shame of being found out. Thought Shield is not enough.. I need a Thought Bunker at this rate.

An interesting and useful conversation with another acolyte earlier. Turns out we both have a similar thought process on Ri Cikûimi and their world view. Reassuring that I am not the only one, if even other acolytes can see the blatancy... I decided to help them with their barrier creation. They earned it through our conversation.

Even after Ri Wohmonwsirsa permitted it, I still had to persuade Ri Nunchi Winwi to teach me how to use a medkit. Everything is a test. EVERYTHING is a test. It's so exhausting...but the harder path hones a greater sith.

I can't rest. The constant pressure is hardening me into a diamond...or perhaps this is just the breath before I crumple like a paper foundation.

I can't sleep. I'm so exhausted from learning and training and now the jungle runs... but if I sleep, I might wake the others in the camp up with these stupid sordid dreams about [the names are scratched out vigorously].

Force save me.