Zartilda's Journal (And Assorted Tales)

[Theprettiestorc]

Journal 5: What They Deserve

Formats, bookends, have I really obsessed over this? It's like looking at broken pieces of a mirror, and I'm slowly gluing them back, so that I have most of an image of me. But there's bloodstains on the places I was cut, cracks throughout. Started this to not lose sight of who I was, but there's no going back. There's just emulation. Able to emulate Zartilda enough to keep going, and maybe what's lost will help me do what I need to do. Other people should get to feel things if they kill, but that holds me back. It's a chain, isn't it? One that's not dragging me, but one that I can choose to carry when the situation calls. Dragging a weight of responsibility, or else it's all for... no, that's not right. It's just simple efficiency. I wonder how many don't see that? The infighting that holds the House back from functioning? Fighting is one thing, but the methods are just improper, like nobody's been taught. It's not something you can teach, either.

"One day, Horuset will get what they deserve," she told me. "I know," I said, but I'm realizing now it wasn't fatalistic, nor was it some false glory-spouting. It's simply facts, numbers. Hell, a prophecy. As it has been, the House will eat itself from the inside. So my mission has to happen, to prop it up from the bottom and hit those who try to stop me. I don't care if I'll save forever, but maybe I can save it now. Even if I have to walk through the deepest pits of Hell for my actions, even if people condemn me, even if it hurts those closest to see me this way, and I'm the only one to see it. Even if I die doing it. That's the Sith way - if my path is strong enough, it survives, and the rest burns around me.

Still, I have a structure to these entries. Even in these moments, I learned quite a lot from two similar men. More credit than they deserve, perhaps, but credit where it is due.

I originally had an Apprenticeship lined up to Sith Saltaeon, and she had her Apprentice Tse'kira looking out for me just a tad. But then there was a fiasco, in which I was forced to fight three Acolytes back-to-back. The third time, I was too tired and I went down. It became another log that started a bonfire, somehow tying in to a fight between Sith Narazri and Sith Arvanis for Lord, and it brought the eyes of Apprentice Viren and Sith Tarimra. The two Masters and Apprentices called me to the Archives, to know what I wanted since that was the last key. My choice... was knowledge, the ability to know more about the Empire, Philosophy, my people, how to act. I was already strong. It's a strange irony to think about that they became the Saltaeons and the Sekkers, two married couples, out of all that - like a balancing act, two aspects of being Sith with me in the middle, a fateful choice.

I got to use my mind, my perceptions, and suffered for it. But also, it found use. Sith Tarimra used me to form dossiers on many, what I could see that others wouldn't notice, either fine details or big picture with trouble seeing in between. His obsession with knowledge ignited full-blown curiosity in me, and sometimes, I'd analyze just for the hell of it, make connections to jog my mind. It got me into trouble when I called out Nyrithe, Natsiji, for being functionally useless, and what do you know? She's still functionally useless, all this time later. I'm going to break her fucking shoulder one day and she can't stop me, because you can't stop truth and you reap what you sow. Should probably beat the hell out of Korditis one day and stand on him to tell him he's a living fossil one day, but maybe if it strikes me.

My time with the Purifiers was basically short, though, and even if it's mostly faded, I have this round scar on my forehead to remind me of... something. That I went against Sith Arvanis, maybe, and his opinions. He took Irizka's eye so maybe I'm lucky on that front, but it's no wonder everyone's broken off from him if he's all whip and no treat. I'm getting distracted.

There were several incidents, and I was basically on the outs. But I kept work up for Sith Tarimra, even helping when he brought Eddi Hozan back. I saw things even about that boy that let Tarimra handle him better, and I furthered the man's goals. So when both he and Arvanis were going to leave me to wrath for serving dutifully? At the time, I had many excuses, but I know now I was just lashing out, pure and simple. A natural conclusion. If you burn the keeper of your secrets, you should hope they take your secrets to the grave. I released absolutely everything, every dossier, every plan, and then let the Powerbase's ire take care of the rest. The phoenix burned for months, before he had the chance to rise from his ashes.

Honestly, I don't hate him, I think. I understand he's a product of his upbringing, of flawed Sith. I'm doing this so we don't get another one of him, so that people know their purposes sooner and simply don't waste time. His journey of realization was pretty inefficient, and I still don't think he's fully there. Maybe my message went across, because he pays more attention to his Apprentice now, actively cares, tries to teach. Found full rage in her misplacement. I returned to him advice that he gave me, something he had forgotten he said that I gave more meaning to. I created meaning to it, didn't I? "Trust, but verify," good advice that's guided me. Once it hit my ears, it became my own to do with as I needed.

At the end of it all, his masters both gave me advice as well, and maybe I took the parts more needed that he missed. I find myself under Lord Saltaeon again, aiding Tse'kira, advised by Sith Tarimra with Viren whispering in his ear. All four of these players in a balance, like a cycle, except we're all stronger now and either wiser or crazier. I'm going with the latter for the Saltaeon-Tse'kira block, and the former for the Tarimra-Viren block. But I've sorely needed the crazy in myself, too.

Structure, structure. Narazri and Vipion next. I'm forgetting there's a mess in my training hall, I'll be at it for days.